What Not to Buy for Christmas
This holiday season's worst gift ideas.
Every holiday gift buying season comes with its share of gift ideas. The worst gift ideas ensure that next year, everyone will be grateful to receive gift cards instead.
When the holiday season is in full force, shoppers get a glazed look in their eyes. The personal touch and creativity are blown to smithereens as we travel from store to store and tally up the holiday gifts we need to buy; our kids, our extended family's children, your boss's kids (hey, it can't hurt, right?), maybe even the children in the neighborhood.
If we need to travel for the holidays, gift cards are a lot easier to pack. Wouldn't it be easier overall, if we could just give everyone a gift card to The Gap and be done with it? Well, sure, but gift cards are considered impersonal and bad form by some. I'm here to help you plan for next year's holiday gift buying season, by giving ideas of gifts in such bad taste that, come next Christmas, the aforementioned Gap gift card will seem like the apex of good taste and holiday gift decision-making.
What not to buy children for Christmas
The Spin Master GR8 TaT2 Maker (that's, "tattoo maker" for those of us who still read English). It's a pretend tattoo parlor for kids, complete with an electronic tattoo pen, washable ink, stencils, and, presumably, a pretend follow-up morning of regrets and a hangover. It's described as having 30 stencils for "realistic" tattoos. It's for ages 6 and up: Sorry, preschoolers! You'll just have to wait 'til kindergarden to get your tat.
Bratz Cosmetics. Bratz dolls have been a popular alternative to Barbie for a few years now, but frankly, I can't understand why parents prefer buying Bratz over Barbies. Sure, Barbie's got that whole pneumatic body thing, but the Bratz look just like little prostitutes. We're talking midriff-baring tees and micro mini skirts, plus the most heavily made-up faces since Boy George in his heyday. And now, little girls can look just like their Bratz dolls, with Bratz makeup. Eye shadow, lip gloss, lipstick...The Bratz hooker look is suggested for ages 5 and up. These Bratz dolls need to study hard and get into a good college: At least Barbie is sometimes a doctor and sometimes an astronaut.
The Drum Bum 5 piece Kids' Drum Set. It looks like, and can be as loud as, an adult-sized drum set. The drum set comes with hi-hat cymbals and a cymbal mounted on the bass drum. This is actually pretty cool, but the key is to give it to a child in an apartment-dwelling family, or to a kid whose house has no basement. Remember, the purpose of giving this gift is to ensure gratitude next year, when you give a (noiseless) gift card. Ages 3-10 is recommended - I'd say, the younger and wilder the kid, the better.
What not to buy adults for Christmas
There are so many tacky, wonderful gifts out there, but you know them already: The wall-mounted singing fish, "funny" coffee mugs, knick knacks of big-eyed children (or puppies, or kittens, etc). Because the list is so mighty, I'll just show you what is probably the Worst Gift Idea to (not) Buy, okay? Because modern technology has come through, once again, with a winner: The King Idea Ear Wax Camera. That's right, ear wax camera! A camera-enabled ear pick in one hand, the monitor in the other, and you can clean your ears in the most graphic and gross way imaginable. Yay, technological advancement! Handing out ear wax cameras as Christmas gifts, may be what saves you from ever having to buy anything besides holiday gift cards, for the foreseeable future.
Happy Holidays! ...And I mean that unsarcastically. Have a happy and safe New Year.
Related, on Suite 101:
Christmas Party Survival Guide
Copyright Jennifer Miner and Suite 101. All rights reserved.
